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Those Curious Garden Gnomes in Straubing
A Report from Bavaria, Where Poisoned English-speaking
Garden Gnomes Dance with the Devil.
ABC
Several weeks ago while visiting my favorite German town of Straubing-on-the-Danube, I noticed people standing in line near the town
square. Hoping the queue might be for free beer, I joined in.
Alas it was not free beer, but it was the next best thing: Gartenzwerge, lovable little dwarves or garden gnomes about fifteen inches high.
There was an exhibition of over a thousand of them neatly arranged on the town
square.
ABCD
No German garden is complete without one and so, as a German Texan Opa married to a
German Oma who loves her garden, I bought one. He’s a cheerful little fellow with an oversized head on sturdy shoulders, mischievous smiling eyes and nose, bushy beard, peaked cap and short jacket – in short, an agreeable
companion. Our grandson named him 'Happy' after his favorite of Snow White’s
dwarfs. His right arm is outstretched in a friendly greeting reminiscent of Julius Caesar, Lone Ranger’s faithful Indian companion Tonto, the Pledge of Allegiance, and the National Socialist German Workers Party.
In the springtime 'Happy' will welcome visitors to the garden, but right now he keeps us company next to the computer.
ABC
Although he is cheerful and industrious, 'Happy' is officially a persona non grata in Germany, at least for the time
being. He is so non grata, in fact, that even his creator, an enterprising artist from Nuremberg named
Ottmar Hoerl  , drops ominous hints and makes unflattering remarks about him. Ottmar gives his exhibition the English name
'Dancing With the Devil', which is a bit puzzling since they are German gnomes that presumably speak German and they are not dancing.
To the insinuation of dancing with unsavory supernatural beings he adds an even more pointed warning by turning
'Happy' upside down and pointing to the English word
'POISONED' printed in capitol letters across the soles of his
boots. "Curioser and curioser" as Tweedle-dee said to
Tweedle-dum. Why the remarks in English?
Germans speak German, and so do their garden gnomes.
AB
For Ottmar, there must be some special significance in these English words and phrases, unless he is some kind of linguistic
exhibitionist. Then, as though mere hints were not enough to catch our attention, he also hands us some anti German propaganda brochures written in German, lurid descriptions of war crimes for which geriatric war veterans continue to be tried in show trials that have been going on for over sixty years.
AB
This is indeed puzzling.
AB
Is there some association between Ottmar’s use of English to cast aspersions on his own creations, and his distribution of anti German propaganda? Apparently he feels a need or obligation to emphasize the ominousness of it all, presumably for the benefit of German officialdom and the media.
It is unlikely he would assume that his customers want to be reminded that their grandfathers were accused of committing atrocities in history’s most atrocious war.
B
For those of us who take freedom of speech for granted, this is all very puzzling.
At any rate, Ottmar’s customers are apparently not concerned that their garden gnomes might be poisoned, or in the habit of dancing with the devil, or associated with war
crimes. Otherwise they would not stand in line to buy them for forty Euros, which is over sixty of our
'digital dollars'.
B
It occurs to me that our German cousins, who invented the sciences of linguistics and psychology two centuries ago, have a peculiar relationship with the English
language. They use it creatively and ironically, in a distinctly German way.
What other language calls a cellular telephone a 'Handy' or an antique automobile an
'Oldtimer'? (At an antique car rally I thought the onlookers were talking about me, since I am definitely an
'old timer'.)
B
It also occurs to me that Ottmar’s puzzling use of English plus related commentary might give insight into the perils of discussing history and politics in today’s strictly censored Germany.
The number of convictions and severity of punishment for opinion crimes clearly show that political repression is on the rise. In the twenty years since the BRD (Bundesrepublik Deutschland, the occupation government in West Germany) merged with the DDR (Deutsche Demokratische Republik, its counterpart in East Germany) to form the present
'BRDDR' as critics call it, freedom of speech has been drastically curtailed. This leads me to suspect that Ottmar’s curious remarks and admonitions are part of a
'Tarnsprache' or coded language that our German cousins have developed to discuss history and
politics. No matter how repressive a regime might be, dissidents always find a way to talk around it.
Patriotism persists in Germany despite the best efforts of BRD, DDR and
'BRDDR'.
Obviously our German cousins have to be careful about what they say and how they say it.
B
Another English phrase and concept that German hs adopted is
'political correctness', which one hears more and more frequently these
days. Germany is the only nation that does not allow its citizens to voice patriotic sentiments, and
'BRDDR' is unique in that it has incorporated the wartime propaganda of its former enemies in its basic
laws. It punishes its citizens for disputing anti German propaganda as though the War had ended just yesterday and the Allies were still raping and plundering and holding a gun to its head.
B
This brings to mind Napoleon’s famous remarks on German
credulousness:
"No nation on earth is more congenial than the Germans and no nation is more
gullible. It was never necessary for me to sow discord among them, all I had to do was spread my nets and they would run into them like skittish
animals. Then they would grab each other by the throat in the belief they were doing their duty!
No lie was so crude that the Germans would not believe it..."
B
The 'BRDDR' does everything it can to squelch popular demands for a peace treaty, an end to military occupation and a constitutional
convention. Nevertheless, many Germans cherish the memory of their last national government and
leader. The stature of their Führer during the Age of Dictators feeds on
repression. To counteract this, 'BRDDR', passes more draconian laws against saying positive things about National Socialism and Adolf Hitler.
B
The present chancellor of 'BRDDR' is Angela Merkel  , a former
'Ossi' (person from the former DDR) who gained distinction as an apparatchik in the Agitprop department.
With a Weatherman-like ability to sense changes in the political winds she abruptly dropped support for the DDR to become a fervent champion of the Christian Democratic party of the BRD, and today she is considered the most powerful woman in the world.
B
Thousands of persons have been punished for expressing illegal opinions since the BRD fused with the
DDR  .
One of the most recent of these is 73-year-old Attorney Horst
Mahler
 ,
a perennial dissident who earlier this year was sentenced to twelve years in prison for his proscribed
utterings.
His trial grew out of an incident that occurred in 2007, in which Michel
Friedmann
, a head of the powerful Judenrat (Central Jewish Committee) who received a judicial slap on the wrist for dealing in cocaine and Ukrainian prostitutes, invited Horst to an
'open and frank political discussion'. Vanity Fair published their discussion, after which Friedmann filed a complaint against Horst.
Horst’s attorney, Sylvia Stolz , was disbarred and sentenced to three and a half years for stubbornly introducing evidentiary motions, which are not allowed in German political trials.
B
Horst is indeed a fascinating study in political
dissidence. His journey through the political cosmos has included sojourns on communistic, socialistic, anarchistic, fascistic and religious
planets. His strategy for changing the political status quo is to shift the political center by supporting the extreme opposite of what he considers most threatening. This makes him a kind of German reincarnation of the American philosopher Ralph Waldo
Emerson , whose mantra was
'A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little
minds'.
I sympathize with Horst because we are the same age and because I, in my modest way, also follow Emerson’s dictum regarding foolish
consistencies. Some of us learn new things as we go through life and change our opinions accordingly, for which we often pay a heavy price.
As I think about it, the German 'Tarnsprache' is also evident at the village Stammtisch of which I am an honorary
member. Everybody knows everybody else, and the language changes noticeably according to who is
present. Mostly the conversation is about the weather, crops, tractors, automobiles, money and taxes, which can still be legally discussed in straightforward Bavarian language.
Occasionally the topic changes to politics, at which time the language changes. It changes most noticeably when Bärbl the village hussy is present, since she has a record of informing on people who express illegal opinions. So far her complaints have not resulted in a formal indictment because she informs on her husband of forty years.
BC
But I am straying from my topic. When conversation at the Stammtisch turns to Michel
Friedman, the only remark is
'Er ist Jude und interessiert uns nicht' (He’s a Jew and does not interest us.)
So far, the 'BRDDR' has not convicted anyone for expressing disinterest in the Jewish Central Committee.
BC
Alas, free speech has never been part of the German political
landscape. There is no German counterpart of the famed
'soapbox in Hyde Park' , even though our German cousins have been singing
'Die Gedanken Sind Frei' for a thousand years 
. (Pete Seeger
sang it in the 1960s - remember?
) We really have to admire our English cousins’ insistence on free speech, which endures even in times of
crisis. In 1914 George Bernard Shaw went unpunished for saying
'My advice for the English working man is the same as my advice for the German working man: shoot your officers and go
home'.
Even during the Blitz, Hyde Park orators continued urging Churchill to call off his war in order to save the British Empire and Western Civilization.
AB
There is a connection between economic security and personal freedom.
Like the Americans, the Germans enjoyed their greatest security and freedom during the Cold War.
For over forty years, US-USSR rivalry kept Grosskapital (monopoly capitalism) on its good
behavior. As long as the plutocrats faced a credible threat of expropriation, they were willing and able to make significant
concessions.
AB
Today it is taking back those concessions, and once again the world must seek a Third Way, an alternative to the tyrannies on the Left and Right.
A
Best regards from Straubing-on-the-Danube.
A
**********
A
Here's freedom to him who would speak,
Here's freedom to him who would write;
For there's none ever feared that the truth should be heard,
Save him whom the truth would indict!
A
ROBERT BURNS (1759–96)
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